im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
