he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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