I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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