you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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