mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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