So drunk its hurt
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
