the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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