The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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