i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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