What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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