im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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