How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
