you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
