Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
