Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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