I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
