Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize