as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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