Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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