don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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