so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize