About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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