My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
