I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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