I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize