I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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