Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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