I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
