dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
