I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize