Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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