Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
