his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
