The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
