need another drink. this is the easiest way
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
