I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
