i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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