I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
