Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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