you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
well you can't waste a boner
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
