So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
