If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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