My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
