how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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