Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just forgot I was standing up.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
