Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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