hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
