I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
