Will you blow on my dice?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
