I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
