I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
