there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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