so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize