I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize