The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
