The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
