he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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